Welcome. Are you interested, by any chance, in entering a funny, bizarre and unpredictable world? I mean besides the one we all live in? Are you in the mood for dark, or possibly goofy, or possibly just hilarious stories, some involving mild references to drugs and alcohol, violence and scantily clad women? Then meet the strange characters who live in and around the Mystee Forest, including Oscar the Too-Lucky Gambler, Plooky the Mean Clown, Diane and her Clumsy Unicorn, and various aliens and wizards. (Wizards are very popular these days.) As an added bonus, you will also read about my various adventures involving aluminum foil, which are amazing and not to be missed. Many of the stories are taken from my column, Modern Fables, in Wassup Local magazine, published in all counties from Chicago to Milwaukee and surrounding areas. Lots of the stories are interrelated and contain hidden trivia references, which will give you something to do while you’re laughing.

Warning: This is a book of humor and not meant to be mistaken for great literature.

EXCERPTS

What kind of Santa is this? He wasn't behaving at all like he does in the movies. Maybe I should just stop asking for stuff; after all, he hasn't brought me anything for over thirty years now, but I still think he owes me a frickin' hovercraft!

The boys sometimes felt that life was going too slow. So many rules and restrictions made them want to grow up faster and have the freedom they saw other people having on television. One evening while watching an old Humphrey Bogart movie, Biff had a brainstorm. What makes people grow into adults? Obviously it was cigarettes!

The shark came around again and as it passed by, dad jumped onto it's back to steer it away from his idiot son, yelling and beating its fin with a beer bottle. That seemed to have no effect so he jammed his pocket dictionary up its nose. The huge fish was distracted enough to turn and head away from shore with dad riding it like a horse.

One day while sunning themselves after a nice meal, old Butch, the leader of the alligators, began to cough. At first it just seemed routine because he already had a bad cough from years of chomping on children with asthma and allergies, but after about twenty minutes the other two had something to say.

I used to drive daily past a storefront that advertised 'Psychic and Mind Reader.' Every time I passed I would scream mentally (Aaaaaaaggghhh!) over and over, and crack up laughing. If she was real, I'm sure that annoyed her to no end, and she probably curled into a little ball when I came by and cried, "I'm-a gonna find that-a guy and make-a heem stop."